4 mins Shane Long beat Jonjo Shelvey to the ball in central midfield and then exchanged passes with Graziano Pelle before beating Chancel Mbemba, Vurnon Anita and then Steven Taylor - the latter doing a pirouette that only he can explain - and slotted the ball past Darlow with ease.

Given our predicament and all the pre-match talk and posturing, for this to happen with the opening four minutes amply demonstrates everything you need to know about our players. Clueless, spineless and weak-willed. 0-1

38 mins Sadio Mane was given the freedom of the pitch to pick out Dusan Tadic down the left. His pass should have been cut out by Daryl Janmaat just inside his own half, but he slipped over and fell on his face. That left three Saints forwards charging at just Taylor and Mbemba. Long almost made a mess of things but Pelle had time to lash his mis-control beyond Darlow into the corner of the net.

Given our predicament etc. etc....

Janmaat's slip was described by some as unfortunate. Not us. And as to whether his injury required him to leave the field is open to debate. He seemed only too keen to get out of the firing line and a less professional manager may have come out and said just that publicly afterwards. 

Like last season though, he's avoided that - the Dutchman's lunacy at Leicester a year ago overshadowed by John Carver's decision to pursue fellow red card recipient Mike Williamson. 0-2

Half time: Saints 2 Magpies 0

55 mins United switched off after clearing a corner and the second flag-kick was taken short, with a posse of visiting players belatedly reacting. Mane swept around Gini Wijnaldum with ease and crossed to Fonte, who saw his shot blocked by Karl Darlow.

Almost inevitably though, the rebound fell nicely for Victor Wanyama who swept the ball home for his first of the season via a deflection off Lascelles that took it over Darlow's dive. 0-3

65 mins Far too little, too late, as Andros Townsend reproduced his strike from when we trailed 0-5 at Chelsea, cutting inside from the right flank before unleashing a fierce left foot drive that absolutely flew into the net. An absolute cracker but utterly worthless. 1-3

Full time: Saints 3 Magpies 1

Rafa Benitez commented:
 

 

They Said

Ronald Koeman said:

"I put pressure on the players to play in a system with four strikers.

"To start very offensively and press Newcastle from the start. And it worked fantastically well. That was the key to the victory today."

Enough said....

PS: The Saints confirmed that Charlie Austin had been originally included in the squad but forced to withdraw after sustaining an injury during the warm-up. Had that not happened, then he'd doubtless have come on and added to our misery....
 

few - if any - survivors are expected

Holed beneath the waterline and with few of those on board making any attempt to bale it out, Saturday afternoon saw the good ship Newcastle again run aground on the treacherous south coast. 

And for the umpteenth time in this campaign, enemy action was only partly responsible as it began to sink below the waves, the apparent mutiny among our motley crew continuing despite a change of skipper.  

United's ninth straight away loss - the worst run of form on the road since 1961 - plunged them closer to the Championship, with only victory by Alan Pardew's Crystal Palace over Norwich City preventing a dreadful day from becoming absolutely calamitous.

But by the time Andros Townsend fired home a consolation, the game was already lost thanks to some pitiful defending and a typically clueless and gutless first half performance, despite starting with both Ayoze Perez and Aleksandar Mitrovic.

Rafa Benitez had talked about removing his players' mental blocks but providing any sort of a physical obstacle proved to be beyond them on four minutes, as Shane Long waltzed forward and bamboozled Steven Taylor before giving the Saints the lead.

Worse was to follow and the only surprise was that it took over half an hour for Southampton to score their second, Graziano Pelle taking advantage of more shambolic defending to grab his fourth goal against Newcastle in as many appearances.

Daryl Janmaat's crucial slip in the build-up saw him substituted (although there were those present who remain unconvinced about his alleged groin injury) and he left the ground with his arm in a splint after coming off second best in a wall-punching competition. You couldn't write this stuff.  

Although Jamaal Lascelles and Paul Dummett were both on the bench, Rafa took the opportunity to reshape his side by withdrawing Moussa Sissoko from his wasteful advanced role to occupy the right back slot (fellow midfielder Vurnon Anita had started at left back).

The dreadful Taylor was replaced by Lascelles after the interval but that alteration failed to prevent  Ronald Koemen's side added a third from a corner, Victor Wanyama prospering from a statuesque back line ten minutes into the second period.

A rare passage of attacking play from United then saw Perez trundle a weak effort towards Fraser Forster before Andros Townsend did rather better and forced the ex-Newcastle custodian into action. 

Townsend then scored his second goal for the club with a spectacular effort into the top corner but despite there being almost half an hour remaining, that always looked like being a solitary reply and the Saints kept us at arm's length while rotating their squad and occasionally threatening a fourth.

Three points for Southampton keeps their hopes of European qualification alive, but for the visitors the prospect of Championship oblivion looms ever larger - amid speculation over exactly which game will see the trapdoor open (Rafa's Anfield anguish? Revenge for Pards? Last laugh for Villans? take your pick).

Never mind who inflicts the fatal blow though, the real guilty parties are rather closer to home, residing in both the stand and dressing room. For every failure to recruit a player, there's an equal shortcoming in the calibre of those signed and those retained (that Colo contract extension remains utterly bewildering).

Those keen on recruiting Gini Wijnaldum may wish to check the reports of their scouts, this another day on which the Dutch international seemed to have been replaced by a hologram of himself. 

From grabbing four goals against Norwich in October to having barely that many notable touches today, the unraveling of our top scorer is another low point - maybe he'll relocate to Nice...via Hull City.... 

Quite what Rafa was writing on his piece of paper after each goal went in is unclear, but if it had been a reminder to ring his agent and circulate his CV then you really wouldn't blame him.

The identity of our manager becomes immaterial when confronted with this sorry shower, who defy football logic and fail to respond to any motivational or organisational trick in the book. Quite what the coaching staff who have joined Rafa in toon make of it all is also open to question - what's the Spanish for 'not like it was in the brochure'?

By this time last season, John Carver was trying to pick fights with players by accusing them of cheating in a vain attempt to provoke a reaction. May we suggest waterboarding this time round.

Rafa's promise of changes to the team is of course a hollow one, with only the possibility of Fabricio Coloccini, Kevin Mbabu and Paul Dummett returning after injury and Jack Colback from suspension. Chuck them all in - the less we see of those charlatans here today the better. 

Otherwise the latest failures can only make way for the previous crop of duds like Yoan Gouffran, Cheick Tiote and Emmanuel Riviere. Friday night's U21 defeat featured Sylvain Marveaux and Henri Saivet, while Rolando Aarons and Sylvain Doumbia were nowhere to be seen.

Monday's season-closing reserve game however saw no first team squad players involved, not even Gabriel Obertan -  who returned to the first team bench today having not kicked a ball since last September and has previously requested second string runouts as part of his comeback.

We remain six points from safety which isn't an impossible gap to close but which based on this display, is only a notional survival chance. It seems inconceivable that these players can muster the effort that could result in any victories - let alone the requisite number to avoid relegation. 

Our fifteen home games to date have brought four wins, meaning that we now need to beat all - or most - of a quartet of sides who all prosper on Tyneside.

Swansea will come looking for their fourth successive victory at SJP, Palace drew here last time and Spurs will aim for a third victory here in as many seasons. And as for Manchester City, 11 wins in 11 visits, no defeat at Gallowgate in 17 games since 2005.

Two successive Saturdays wasted then - a total of 1,250 miles from doorstep to turnstiles and back again.  Frankly, they're not worth going to the top of the street for.

Biffa