5 mins Willian robbed Cheick Tiote in the middle of the pitch and strode forward before feeding the masked Diego Costa, who beat Steven Taylor and slid the ball home. 0-1

9 mins United fell further behind from thei own free kick deep in opposition territory, when Rolando Aarons - reprising the unwanted left back role thrust on Charles N'Zogbia in our last relegation season - tried in vain to reach Daryl Janmaat infield with a suicidal pass. 

That went straight to Pedro and the Spaniard had a clear run on goal before slotting home. 0-2

17 mins Costa outpaced Fabricio Coloccini to reach a forward pass and pulled the ball across for Willian to side-foot in. 0-3

Half time: Blues 3 Magpies 0

59 mins Fabregas played a long pass forward to Pedro that Steve Taylor should have defended but Pedro easily beat Elliot to grab his second of the game. 0-4

83 mins Cesar Azpilicueta crossed for substitute Bertrand Traore to finish at the near post - the first-ever Burkina Faso-born player to net in the Premier League. 0-5

90 mins Approaching added time, those away fans still in the ground finally had something to cheer as Andros Townsend strode towards the box before hitting a fine left-footer past Courtois. 1-5

Full time: Blues 5 Magpies 1

Three of the stooges

Our foes may have worn masks but this was no highway robbery, as Newcastle plunged back into the bottom three of the Premier League after a capitulation at Stamford Bridge on live TV. 

Steve McClaren finally got something right when he told the viewing nation before kick off that the opening 20 minutes would dictate how the game panned out. Sadly, the United coach was spot-on, as the League's poorest travellers conceded three times in 17 minutes and another two later on.

Andros Townsend's strike in the final seconds of the second half boosted our miserly total on the road to seven in thirteen attempts this season, but provided anything but a consolation as the Magpies lost our fifth successive away game in the league. We managed six a year ago.

Naming an unchanged side to the one that beat West Bromwich Albion the previous Saturday meant that Rolando Aarons remained at left back and the ailing pair of Steven Taylor and Fabricio Coloccini continued in the middle.

Sadly though, the movement and threat of Chelsea was rather more testing than the inert Baggies and the home side proceeded to slice through United at will - aided by some casual play from the visitors that verged on the criminally negligent. 

There were just two minutes on the clock when Nemanja Matic took advantage of a mis-kick but shot wide from the edge of the box. Sadly that let off just delayed the inevitable and Costa, Pedro and Willian all had Rob Elliot retrieving the ball out of his own net by the seventeenth minute.

At the other end, Jonjo Shelvey saw his shot deflected, Aleksandar Mitrovic appealed in vain for a penalty after a mis-control in the area and Gini Wijnaldum shot tamely at the 'keeper (possibly the most noteworthy thing he's done away from Gallowgate this season).

However, they were rare excursions into the opposing half for a Newcastle side for whom Moussa Sissoko and Wijnaldum contributed little and gave our Serb little aid, leaving him to challenge for random forward punts with a posse of covering home defenders. Mitrovic's main contribution was to clash with John Terry, falling on the Chelsea defender and ultimately causing him to be substituted.

Jack Colback replaced Wijnaldum at half-time and on 48 minutes Cesc Fabregas clearly caught Mitrovic on the edge of the area - the striker's shout of pain clearly audible in the stands. 

However Roger East and his linesman took no notice of the incident and no there was no appeal from a Newcastle player - symptomatic of yet another away game that had been given up on.  

Our best (least worst) spell of the game saw a Townsend cross reach Shelvey, only for Gary Cahill's block tackle to divert the shot behind. Mitrovic then fired a low powerful shot just wide of the far post before Chelsea resumed their dominance and promptly increased their lead through Pedro.
 
Seydou Doumbia/Doom Bar/Dumbo replaced Mitrovic and was soon gifted the ball but showed a woeful first touch and lost any chance of an instant impact. Needing a striker to hit the ground running for the rest of the season, we appear to have actually brought someone out of retirement. 

From a distance he looked rather like Carl Douglas of "Kung Fu Fighting" fame, although his display for the reserves last week was more reminiscent of Jack Douglas... 

With 83 minutes gone we leaked again, as Bertrand Traore converted  - the third time that we've conceded five goals or more this season. And only Eden Hazard's slipshod shooting from just inches out prevented us from conceding six for the second time in 2015/16.

After a while this sort of repeated abuse just ceases to hurt. On the basis that we never play in Europe any more, can we justifiably claim to be victims of domestic abuse. Other teams have fan clubs, we could do with some sort of support group for coping with this recurring nightmare.

Andros Townsend did then score our first goal here since "that" shot from Papiss Cisse in May 2012, but unsurprisingly he didn't celebrate and the goal failed to prevent us returning to the drop zone.

Results elsewhere included a win for the mackems over Manchester United, Norwich drawing to go above us and both Swansea and Bournemouth losing. None of those outcomes have the slightest relevance to a club seemingly hell bent on demotion though, as those long-suffering away fans still to call time on witnessing this sorry charade were again mugged.

A team so clearly not playing for their manager now have a dozen games in which to save their own miserable hides - and ours. You wouldn't back them to do so with brass washers; our lack of conviction is as criminal as the insincere apologies and empty promises to put it right "next time".

A perceived lack of leadership off the field is mirrored on it away from cozy SJP, where it all just seems too much for our allegedly "big figures" in the dressing room - although it's impossible to escape the notion that this was a game that coaches and players alike had simply written off, as much of a dead rubber as next Saturday's kickabout against Lillestrom in La Manga.

That would account for the lazy team selection that prompted a lazy response from those selected, and the arrival of Colback and Lascelles when the scoreline was in danger reaching large enough proportions to force McClaren's fate on to the agenda. Losing by four goals barely registers a ripple. 

The indifference to our plight shown here by the likes of Tiote, Sissoko and Coloccini mirrors that of imposters pursuing their own agenda like Michael Owen in 2009 - although who would be impressed by this twaddle to bid for them is open to question. Playing for a transfer used to mean you tried.

What is difficult to see though is where the conscience of the dressing room now lies in 2016. From those assembled here, who would be bothered enough to lead the sort of "are you with us?" inquest that followed that 1-6 defeat at Leyton Orient after relegation? Elliot? Shelvey? Lascelles?   

Enjoy your jolly lads - but if the trip was performance-related, you wouldn't get to Benwell. 

Pilgrims may have trekked across Spain for centuries on the route of St. James' but some minor miracle needs to take place over there if we're to return with the necessary heart and appetite for the fight. Believing that our home form will see us through threatens to be the ultimate folly.

Biffa