Only in the world of Newcastle United....

The Magpies were deprived of the services of mesrs Dyer, Woodgate, Viana and Bellamy before they travelled. They then lost Bernard before a ball was kicked in anger, meaning Robbie Elliott got his first runout since Noah was a lad.

We then didn't pick Steve Harper as a sub, put Tony Caig on for a rare final 15 minutes of first team action and also withdrew messrs Shearer, Speed, Robert, Jenas, Ambrose, Chopra, Hughes before finding out we were in a penalty shootout. 

Still, at least it meant JJ couldn't reprise his 2003 Norman Wisdom spot kick effort.

With the likes of McClen, Elliott and Guy waiting their turn, Milner marked his debut by missing as did Bowyer. Shola and Brittain converted and the nearest Caig came to stopping a pen was getting a hand to one as it went in and watching one go wide after having been wrong-footed.

It's not a drama about a football team those toon moviemakers should be shooting, it's a Carry On film.......

An uninspiring 45 minutes started the season off, with United giving a first airing to the new away kit and the home side appearing in an all red ensemble.

The game began in sunny conditions on a well-grassed but crumbly pitch. As dusk began to fall the floodlights were on midway through the first half, by which time the Thais had taken the lead.

Just as over 30,000 fans in the 65,000 capacity Rajamangala Stadium began their first Mexican wave, the tedium was enlivened by a long diagonal ball out of defence from impressive left back Rangsan Viwatchaichoke. 

Bramble failed to cut out the pass, leaving striker Sarayoot Chaikamdee a clear run on goal before beating Given.

A minute before the goal Newcastle had put together their first effort of note, O'Brien directing his header narrowly wide from Ambrose's right flank free kick.

And it took another 11 minutes for the Magpies to create their next chance, Shearer lifting his shot well over the bar just after the half hour. Chopra then forced 'keeper Kosin Hatairatanakul into his only meaningful action of the half a minute later, as he burst through into the box but saw his shot blocked.

The Thais could have extended their lead, with a couple of efforts going into the side netting and Given beating away a Siriwong shot in added time, at the expense of a corner kick.

Sir Bobby left his defence intact for the start of the second half but gave Milner his debut in place of Robert down the left and replaced Speed with Bowyer in central midfield and Shearer with Ameobi up front.

And it was Bowyer who was our most involved player of the second half, picking up a booking just before the hour mark when he caught goalscorer Chaikamdee with a strong tackle in the centre circle.

On 62 minutes though the former Leeds midfielder levelled the scores, after Jenas had won possession in midfield. He exchanged passes with the advancing Bowyer who in turn fed Ambrose in space to try his luck with a strong shot.

The Thai 'keeper blocked that effort, but Bowyer had continued his run and was on hand to convert from just inside the box with a crisp half-volley.

Four minutes later and Bowyer turned provider again, playing in Chopra who again saw the the 'keeper block his goalbound effort.

A raft of changes saw the pattern of the game disrupted as United used all of their available outfield players and with the game in its final stages it came as something of a shock when the PA announcer confirmed that in the event of a tie the match would be settled by a dreaded penalty shootout.

Andy O'Brien obviously didn't fancy that, as he gave the ball away cheaply when last man back in the 89th minute, only for Sutee Suksomkij to blaze his shot over Given's bar and as in Kuala Lumpur last year, set up yet more spot kick misery for Sir Bobby & Co.

Thanks to our Gazzetta Sandancia correspondent.

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